The following are the key principles to remember in applying this to your role as the Indonesia boss:
1. The essence of each ego state is as follows: parent (attitudes / opinions), child (feelings / emotions), adult (thoughts / learning).
2. They are all normal and essential to a balanced life: no one is good or bad.
3. Each of us is in one ego state or the other at any given time, and will initiate, or react to, behavior accordingly.
When the ego states used are complementary, the communication is usually understood and accepted by both parties. For example:
1. Indonesia Boss tells subordinate off in a cross, finger-wagging way (critical parent), and subordinate accepts being treated as naughty child and either submits apologetically (adapted child), or gives a flippant response (free child).
2. Indonesia Boss looks pleadingly at secretary and says what an awful meeting he's had (adapted child), secretary stops what she is doing and makes Indonesia coffee (caring parent).
3. Indonesia Boss shares joke about tricky work situation and fantasizes about getting rid of the board (free child): subordinate responds with a few fantasies of his own on the same theme (free child). The same 'free child' match would exist if both gave free reign to creative ideas without fear of having them criticized or ridiculed by the other.
Where things go wrong is when the lines get crossed, i.e. the role you have imposed upon the other person by the ego state you have chosen to use is not accepted by them:
a. Indonesia Boss to subordinate having difficulty with a task, 'Don't worry, give it to me and I'll do it for you' (caring parent); subordinate responds, 'Don't take over, you should let me do things myself' (critical parent). The child role has been rejected and if the boss now also retaliates with critical parent, 'Don't you speak to me like that', a row is brewing and communication has ceased to be effective.
b. Indonesia Boss rushes back from important meeting. 'The MD needs these budget figures up-dated for tomorrow; do you have the necessary information to do that?' (adult); subordinate responds, 'Why do I always have to do these last minute jobs?' (either free child or adapted child, depending on whether the tone is rebellious or wheedling). The subordinate has refused to accept the responsibility of an adult ego state, and tries to engage the Indonesia boss's parent, to save him from the unwanted task. Alternatively, the subordinate may encourage the Indonesia boss to share the 'child' state in response to the MD seen as critical parent.
It is clear from these examples that although all ego states are equally acceptable forms of behavior in themselves, communication becomes ineffective when they are used in inappropriate situations, or when the ego states adopted by each party do not complement each other.
Being able to analyze transactions in this way is helpful in maintaining good relationships, which depend on effective communicating and mutual understanding. It enables you to adjust your approach where necessary to prevent lines of communication being crossed, to understand why the other person is responding in a particular way, and to prevent yourself being drawn by others into ego states which are not appropriate for the task in hand.
But there is a much more important application for staff development. As I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, it is in the 'adult' state we do our thinking, analyzing, problem-solving and learning. In any situation where you wish to train and develop staff it is therefore essential that you adopt the adult ego state, and encourage your subordinate to do the same. If your approach to appraisal, coaching or giving feedback is that of the caring parent who saves subordinates from difficult tasks and protects them from making mistakes, or is that of the critical parent who is judgmental and authoritarian, the responses you are likely to get are those of the child state compliance to exactly what you say rather than thinking for themselves, or rebellion. Neither leads to learning or development. If instead you get retaliating form the parent state, it is likely to damage the relationship as well.
1. The essence of each ego state is as follows: parent (attitudes / opinions), child (feelings / emotions), adult (thoughts / learning).
2. They are all normal and essential to a balanced life: no one is good or bad.
3. Each of us is in one ego state or the other at any given time, and will initiate, or react to, behavior accordingly.
When the ego states used are complementary, the communication is usually understood and accepted by both parties. For example:
1. Indonesia Boss tells subordinate off in a cross, finger-wagging way (critical parent), and subordinate accepts being treated as naughty child and either submits apologetically (adapted child), or gives a flippant response (free child).
2. Indonesia Boss looks pleadingly at secretary and says what an awful meeting he's had (adapted child), secretary stops what she is doing and makes Indonesia coffee (caring parent).
3. Indonesia Boss shares joke about tricky work situation and fantasizes about getting rid of the board (free child): subordinate responds with a few fantasies of his own on the same theme (free child). The same 'free child' match would exist if both gave free reign to creative ideas without fear of having them criticized or ridiculed by the other.
Where things go wrong is when the lines get crossed, i.e. the role you have imposed upon the other person by the ego state you have chosen to use is not accepted by them:
a. Indonesia Boss to subordinate having difficulty with a task, 'Don't worry, give it to me and I'll do it for you' (caring parent); subordinate responds, 'Don't take over, you should let me do things myself' (critical parent). The child role has been rejected and if the boss now also retaliates with critical parent, 'Don't you speak to me like that', a row is brewing and communication has ceased to be effective.
b. Indonesia Boss rushes back from important meeting. 'The MD needs these budget figures up-dated for tomorrow; do you have the necessary information to do that?' (adult); subordinate responds, 'Why do I always have to do these last minute jobs?' (either free child or adapted child, depending on whether the tone is rebellious or wheedling). The subordinate has refused to accept the responsibility of an adult ego state, and tries to engage the Indonesia boss's parent, to save him from the unwanted task. Alternatively, the subordinate may encourage the Indonesia boss to share the 'child' state in response to the MD seen as critical parent.
It is clear from these examples that although all ego states are equally acceptable forms of behavior in themselves, communication becomes ineffective when they are used in inappropriate situations, or when the ego states adopted by each party do not complement each other.
Being able to analyze transactions in this way is helpful in maintaining good relationships, which depend on effective communicating and mutual understanding. It enables you to adjust your approach where necessary to prevent lines of communication being crossed, to understand why the other person is responding in a particular way, and to prevent yourself being drawn by others into ego states which are not appropriate for the task in hand.
But there is a much more important application for staff development. As I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, it is in the 'adult' state we do our thinking, analyzing, problem-solving and learning. In any situation where you wish to train and develop staff it is therefore essential that you adopt the adult ego state, and encourage your subordinate to do the same. If your approach to appraisal, coaching or giving feedback is that of the caring parent who saves subordinates from difficult tasks and protects them from making mistakes, or is that of the critical parent who is judgmental and authoritarian, the responses you are likely to get are those of the child state compliance to exactly what you say rather than thinking for themselves, or rebellion. Neither leads to learning or development. If instead you get retaliating form the parent state, it is likely to damage the relationship as well.
